Is This The End?

"Mama always told me it was gonna happen but she never told me when...She told me it would happen when I was much older...is this the end?"-New Edition

So much has happened. Too much in fact. Things that I had to lock up because if I let them thru the crack in my psyche it would blow a bigger hole and I wouldn't be able to function.

Good things.

Bad things.

Awkward things.

Sad things.

Have all happened and I have rolled with the punches and kept it moving. Going to work, handling the family. Handling Jason and this illness like it is my job and I am paid to do so. Handling the emotions like they are not mine. So far, I am making it. I think.

Chemo again. All I had to do was remind them of Tiger Mom and Jason got in ASAP. He is here, being encephalitis riddled Jason with a few cameos from Jason circa 2014. Today he got up and darted out of bed almost ripping the IV out. Trying to pace round and round in a circle. I grabbed him, put him in bed and stopped it. I had seen him do that once before. It's scary. He is bull in China shop determined to take the stride. I am beaten down wonder women determined to hold him back. I am tired, haven't slept since Thursday. Fighting the protein packed Bruce Banner into not turning into the Hulk. I talk to the doctor about what this means. "I have seen this before", he said smiling,"it happens when the disease is near its end."

I watched him like he was talking about somebody else. "Wow, that is reassuring." I said keeping an Olivia Pope business tone. He and the two fellows left. When I heard the door close I broke down like someone was beating me. The aide asked me a million times if there was anything she could Do. I couldn't respond. Thank God Jason was sedated because I couldn't stop wailing. Everytime I tried to stop I cried harder. It took 2 hrs before I could stop. Mercifully God kept Jason asleep for 2 hrs and 15 minutes. Enough for me to compose myself. That nervous breakdown is close too. 

Maybe I am going to be like that Marathon runner who makes it to the end and collapses on the line. I only asked that God see Jason through this. I never said I had to come with him. I don't know how anyone could be the same after this.

I've Become So Numb- Linkin Park/Jay-Z

In 4 days it will be 9 months. 9'months since this started. 9 months without my son. Today was hard. Most days are hard. Today especially. A million memories flashed in my mind today. It started the cracks. The cracks I feel that run deep in my soul. The cracks that make my eyes water behind the mirror aviators I wear. This hurts. It's a pain that even when it's gone has scarred me so bad I am never in my life going to forget it. I am a bull. A bull that has plowed through days and weeks because I don't have time for the breakdown. I don't have time for the pity party and the emotion because I got shit to do. I got moves to make and even with all that I do there is so much that is not done. I am trying. I am trying so fucking hard. Jason is too. As much as I want to take a knee and sit it out for a while I can't. He is in the middle of this fucking maniacal game and he needs support. He needs back-up. He needs his mom. 

No matter how tired she is.

In Summary

The hospital took 3 weeks to find a bed for Jason. I threatened to go to the media with an expose on Jason's disease and the hospital's lack of interest in treating him.

He got a bed the same day.

Chemo went- almost uneventful. Had a "come to Jesus" with (2) people. Stayed with Jason - left and 27 minutes later he has an episode. security is there explaining to my mother how his items are to be confiscated and he needs to be frisked, stripped and put in a special color gown. 

I probably blew out some eardrums with my tirade on the phone. Needless to say none of that happened. The frustration of ensuring it didn't happen still raises my blood pressure.

Back at the hospital... Jason is moving along. Showing signs of improvement. Not ridiculous like he is ready to go home. But enough to note. 

Jason had an episode when I was on my way there. Cops involved, ambulance ready to transport him. Yea you heard me cops...New nurses, Dr's, and assistants are there. They Don't understand the triggers, don't know what to do... Following protocol stiffly.

I walk in to see Bruce Banner on his bed, tired and crying. Room is a mess. I get him to comply to what they want and take him for a walk. Tell everyone to back down. Talk to my boys in blue, refuse transport, get Jason his meds, feed him and watch him watch television. Rest of the day is uneventful, head home at midnight. I prayed real hard for a calm sleep for Jason and a calm day. He got it. Last night was a good night.

Another person would break down with all this constant trauma. I guess I have that rhino skin. This is just another day in the life.

I'll order my nervous breakdown later w/ a side order of fries.. 

A Lot

A lot has happened... I am not ready to talk about it.

Cytoxin given... Jason a little bit better...

We wait... 

We hurry up and douse his system with poison and we wait...

I hate fucking waiting...

It's the hurry up and wait that made me leave NYPD...

It's the hurry up and wait that messes with me right now...

"Irene, I really commend you. You did not take