The Last Ride

Chemo over the weekend is convenient for work. Inconvenient for family. Carmelo and the kids have no mommy for the weekend, then before you know it I am a blur for 5 days before they get 2 days with me again. I need Jason better. I need to start rebuilding our life. For now I am on the train, on my way to one hospital, so I can take an ambulance to another and deal with new people, and protocol and bullshit. Fight with Jason or stress over keeping him calm. Team no sleep, Team No eat. Team saggy ass and hair falling out. This is life until the end. This disease is a muthafucka I tell you.

Speak Of The Devil and HE Shall Appear

Team no sleep captain here. I slept at the hospital again but this time Jason wasn't on a warpath. He sent me to hell once or twice but that was all. Sleep deprived, still sick I manage as a direct descendant of the "Hey Mon" family. Remember In Living Color?

"Hey Mon! time to go to work!"

Had to get up drive from Valhalla to queens and get ready for Baby daddy court. I can't take the bill collectors on my phone and papers crowding my mailbox. I can't take the constant harassment for something that is so simple to fix. See Jason's "Bio-Dad" as I heard someone call him, works for a glorious Union who will pay out of pocket medical expenses for him. All the bills that ride me now can be paid and made to go away. If "bio-dad" would try to help. He never has, never offered. Hasn't visited. Hasn't called. With 3 near misses from the Angel of death he has never cared to see if Jason made it.

Me alone gets this handled. But I need help. So I asked for it.

The judge heard this shit and couldn't believe it! He admitted it to the judge that he is a POS who does not care anything for his son.

The judge cared. 

Today under oath "BIO-Dad" swore to not know anything of Jason's condition. 

Meanwhile his mom visits everyday, grandpa and step grandma have prayed for Jason all over Facebook. His brother had "the talk" to try to get him to see Jason. I scooted my chair over on the table hoping the blast from the lightning bolt that should hit him as he sat there and lied under oath doesn't residually get me too. 

Disappointingly it never came, (insert eye roll). He claimed to be Completely unaware of any medical bills. Completely unaware of Jason being near death-ever!

The judge ordered him to visit Jason today. 

His wife stayed in her lane and respectfully stayed outside. The least the witch could do.

I want to thank The Queens Family Court for facilitating the first visit Jason has ever had with his father. It took 18 years, (he met Jason when he was a baby and again when he was 3).

He actually said, "Hi Jason."

Thank you God for all of your glory. Even if he doesn't remember it ever, thank you for giving Jason this.

Godzilla

Jason is Godzilla. They hiss his name like the panicked Japanese villagers when he comes down the hall because there is no telling what version of Jason is coming. He had an episode. 3 in one 24 HR period. Chemo is 2 days past due. This is what happens when you let the disease get over on your anniversary. Your sleep deprived, summer respiratory infection riddled mom has to roll out of bed and drive like a bat out of hell to your hospital to stay Godzilla watch. The alternative of calling strangers to handle you and take you to another hospital with more strangers that don't know how to handle you, hurts her heart too much.

I love you Jason. One day when this is all over, I just want to see you healthy and well. Then maybe I will be impressed enough with this disease to cry my eyes out on all the shit it has done to you, and done to me.

For now, ain't nobody got time for that.

Hurry Up And Wait

Jason's been good. But if this disease teaches you anything, it wants you to know it is as ghetto as it fucking comes and keep your Voltron up. The Hulk still lingers in Jason. His body still makes the anti-bodies equivalent to the gamma rays that turns mild manned Bruce Banner into something more sinister. Last Thursday, Jason decided to trash his room. I have been sleeping over at the hospital since Friday night. Taking my place on the beat up and stained pull up couch directly across from him. Watching as he gets up several times a night to give me the middle finger, ask me what I am looking at or tell Me to go fuck myself.

"Do you think it could be a demon in here  mommy?" An aide asked me. I get it. I wasn't mad. Religion holds some of us so tightly we can only imagine the supernatural is bringing on this extreme crazy.

"I don't." I responded.

I think he is sick. I think God is in control.  I think the mind is an extraordinary thing and while we sometimes think we are unraveling the mysteries of the universe God reminds us that we don't know shit, we need to stay in our lane and play our humbled positions.

As I blow my nose for the thousandth time and wrap up the never ending green phlegm I try not to cough too much into my mask. The contagion neurotic drone in me terrified of getting Jason sick. Hopefully we will be out for Chemo again this week.

I waited for the nurse to give him his meds before I left to go visit my home and my other kids.

Life will be better one day. 

Brotherly Love

Thank You God for the blessings of my boys

For Those Who Haven't Seen

We are coming along.

Not 100 yet, but getting there.

Baby steps...

The Medication for The Medication

Jason has been calm. Dare I say Bruce Banner playing with Zen. New med subdues him and keeps the Hulk from coming out. 

Baby Steps

I had to stay away for almost a week. Summer colds with phlegm and cough should not be brought around Jason. Calling everyday killed me. When I saw him the first thing I wanted to do was hug and kiss him. I had heard he had been doing well, more verbal, more lucid. Able to carry conversations and be rational. When I saw him he outstretched his arms  with an expressionless stare. I hugged him and kissed him, praying no germs were exchanged. I bought along his brother/ sister and his cousins visiting from Texas.

He was happy to see them and gave a little smile. Watching them as they dispersed themselves around his room. I brought his 3 year old cousin Davin in front of him, and re-introduced them as cousins. Jason said hi. Matching Davin's responses word for word appropriately. 

Tristan noticed the exchange and came to wedge himself between his brother and his cousin, "No Davin, it's my brother Jason."

Jason smiled wide and looked at Tristan,"jealous?" He said laughing.

My son is in there and he is slowly coming out.

Conversations with Jason