God's Time

The day started, like most days of the last 16 months. As I stir in the morning to wakefulness I begin thanking God. I thank him for the morning, my life, my family, my health and I begin to beg for Jason. Even diagnosed with cancer, Jason's health is who I beg for. Everyday no matter what. I ask God to keep his healing hand on him because I already know that God's work is being done.

Jason text me. Then he called me. He wanted his bank card.

"Mom, I don't know where my bank card is. I think my social is..."

I sort of sat there. Frozen.

Up until this point, Jason has been coherent, but ADD. He has a thought and in the course of a sentence would lose"it" or change the subject.

He called the bank and understoodthe verification process and he needed help.

He talked to me for a while and every thought was cohesive and made sense. He was deliberate and thoughtful. Calm and collected in purpose.

It happened like they said. The doctors warned me this day would come. Coherency turned on like a light switch.

I told him I had to go. I heard it in his voice. His speech pattern and the tone.

For the first time in 16 months i just had a conversation with Jason. My pre-NMDARE Jason.

I needed to stop talking to him because the emotion was erupting like lava thru the crack this disease gave me a long time ago. I was happy, I was sad. I was relieved. 

I could hear the doctors in my head. "The psychiatric  part is one of the last things to go."

"It could happen just like that! Where one day he is just back."

This is it. After all this time. It is really over.

I was anxious. I wanted to scream. I had this feeling coming over me, that I havent felt in a long time.

I was so panicked I forgot to breathe

When The River Was Deep...

It has been a minute. I needed as much for a lot of reasons. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly all rolled into one until Good prevailed. As I sit here typing with tears in my eyes and a knot in my throat.

"Like a warrior that fights

And wins the battle
I know the taste of victory
Though I went through some nights
Consumed by the shadows

And was crippled emotionally
Somehow I made it through the heartace
I escaped
I found my way out of the darkness, kept my faith
Kept my faith

And the river was deep I didn't falter
When the mountain was high
I still believed
When the valley was low
It didn't stop me
I knew you were waiting

Knew you were waiting for me
With and endless desire
I kept on searching
Sure in time our eyes would meet
And like the bridge is on fire

The hurt is over
One touch and you set me free
I don't regret a single moment

Looking back...when I think of all those disappointments, I just laugh.

I just laugh!!!"

-Aretha Franklin and George Michael "i knew you were waiting for me"

Jason is taking his meds by mouth.

The G tube will be out soon.

Jason wants to come home.

Aretha Franklin and George Michael sang a song that sums up every emotion right now:

"I knew you were waiting for me..."

I trusted God when my son was unrecognizable. I refused to "trust what I see" and I trusted in God.

I trusted what I believed. I believe in HIM.

When the valley was low. He didn't falter. Neither did I.

When the mountain was high, I still believed.

I always knew in my heart of hearts. My son, the boy I raised, the boy who just text me if I could bring him some milk- "was waiting for me..."

I Left My Aviators

This is how much I don't think of me. When I was only thinking of Jason, my aviators were always at the collar of my shirt. Waiting for any moment of eye leakage or the emotion that rides my face when I don't know it. I can hide my scowl, upset, and worried looks. But of course. The dam must have broken and I moved a notch on the grief scale.

I read something today and I cried. I cried a long over due release of emotion and 34 minutes later I wasn't completely finished but I needed to board a train and make it into work. 

I needed to move on.

But I left my fucking aviators