So much has happened. Too much in fact. Things that I had to lock up because if I let them thru the crack in my psyche it would blow a bigger hole and I wouldn't be able to function.
Good things.
Bad things.
Awkward things.
Sad things.
Have all happened and I have rolled with the punches and kept it moving. Going to work, handling the family. Handling Jason and this illness like it is my job and I am paid to do so. Handling the emotions like they are not mine. So far, I am making it. I think.
Chemo again. All I had to do was remind them of Tiger Mom and Jason got in ASAP. He is here, being encephalitis riddled Jason with a few cameos from Jason circa 2014. Today he got up and darted out of bed almost ripping the IV out. Trying to pace round and round in a circle. I grabbed him, put him in bed and stopped it. I had seen him do that once before. It's scary. He is bull in China shop determined to take the stride. I am beaten down wonder women determined to hold him back. I am tired, haven't slept since Thursday. Fighting the protein packed Bruce Banner into not turning into the Hulk. I talk to the doctor about what this means. "I have seen this before", he said smiling,"it happens when the disease is near its end."
I watched him like he was talking about somebody else. "Wow, that is reassuring." I said keeping an Olivia Pope business tone. He and the two fellows left. When I heard the door close I broke down like someone was beating me. The aide asked me a million times if there was anything she could Do. I couldn't respond. Thank God Jason was sedated because I couldn't stop wailing. Everytime I tried to stop I cried harder. It took 2 hrs before I could stop. Mercifully God kept Jason asleep for 2 hrs and 15 minutes. Enough for me to compose myself. That nervous breakdown is close too.
Maybe I am going to be like that Marathon runner who makes it to the end and collapses on the line. I only asked that God see Jason through this. I never said I had to come with him. I don't know how anyone could be the same after this.
I just wanted to say that You probaly will never be the same and that is OK. After grief counseling I was told the old me died with my loved one. No one is ever the same after difficult things, death, loss of a child, a cancer battle, staying strong such as taking care of Jayson during this difficult time. God is merciful in that he wont remember any of this but you will have the battle wounds. You know it and you are semi ready for it. You know it will come in some form.
ReplyDeleteWhat I can say is when your "break down " as you put it happens because in some form it will that you WILL be ok. After you have gone thru the stages it will take time but you will make it. I promise You will Come out more loving, more compasionate, loving life, loving your family, friends, and strangers like being reborn. You too will have that journey just see your way thru it. You will come out better than you went in. Gods speed & God Bless. You are going to be just fine!
Thank you. and I am so sorry u know from experience.
Delete