Test of Patience

Jason is having a setback. Please pray. Don't just say he is in your prayers. Please mean it. Have the dialogue with God. When the chorus of prayers started, he heard you. I need him to hear you. I need you to be loud.

Please.

Welcome To The Abyss

It's endless.

It is.

From daily life to scheduling doctor's appointments for the best specialists for not one but two very distinct diseases. I want to be Negan-like ruthless in my pursuit of scans and second opinions and doctors that can help Jason and now help me.

But I find myself more like Rick. 

I am tired.

I have a second opinion weeks away with one of the best. I worry what the cancer is doing inside me until that time. Worrying is praying for something you don't want. So I convince myself that I am not worried. I am just overly conscious. Conscious that a foreign item I have no control over has Insidously housed itself inside me. I have to be patient in finding the exact way to take control of it.

Cancer doesn't hurt. That's a fucking lie. Pain is what started my investigation that found it. 

I have check-ups for babies and my self and the husband and all these extra scans that will make me glow in the dark eventually. I am hyper sensitive on both ends of the spectrum because I can't move on the grief scale from anger.

I am grateful to God for the revelation of what I carry. I am grateful for the help and everything I received to help Jason make it this far in recovery and I pray so hard for more, to finally get him carried over the threshold to conquering this crazy ass disease he has.

Even with all my gratitude for every blessing - I am so angry.

I just don't know who I am mad at.

Sore Loser

We stepped back a little. Jason's Hallucinations are up. Nothing horrible, (yet). A gentler, calmer hallucination. The problem is, a step back puts us all at edge and less at ease. We have seen the other side. We are all terrified of going there. Hallucinations are usually the precursor to a more ominous Jason.

In other news...

I have a chance at saving my kidney. Laparoscopic. See usually at this part I would say I am already fucked you can't be more fucked -but apparently you can. I can live on half a kidney if need be, and so far I have a spare. If I remove this entirely and something forms in the other that is where the "more fucked" option comes in. So at this point I am making every effort to save it.

But the terror doesn't come in that. The terror I have right now is going offline. Not being able to be there should this ominous warning from Jason's psyche produce something more. No one in this world loves Jason as much as I do. No one in this world could understand.

Thinking about him going full hulk and needing the hospital to subdue him the only way they possibly can with cops and sending him out to a hospital that I cannot run to is killing me more than any cancer could. Thankfully we have not come to this. But I need to make every effort not to.

I usually do this unmedicated. But now I need the meds. Now that fucking crack in my psyche is oozing and my poker face has eyes that glisten uncontrollably. I still don't cry, but I definitely can't hide the emotion as well as I once could.

It's a lot to hold in. Imagine holding back a tidal wave with a screen door...

You got me. You got me good. You blindsided me while I was in the middle of a war with my son and reminded me I am mere Mortal. I always thought Jason was my Achilles heel, but apparently I have  another. 

There are many levels of pain, and when you think you reach your threshold, you get reminded there are more.

If you ask me my programmed response is "I'm ok" The second response "I am alive"

I can't admit that I am actually a mess in the middle of two wars: one for the life of my son and now for my own life.

I am in no way shape or form prepared to lose either. 

Party All The Time

Jason called me from the hospital last night at 10pm. He was dressed and letting me know he was going to "the party". Hallucinations holding on a bit too tightly that he is still in college and chasing girls. Not in an in-patient facility with A Gtube. He dressed himself in street clothes and was getting ready to hit them streets.

Me: Jason you can't go I told you, it's Wednesday. 

Jason: so I don't have class tomorrow.

Me: I said no.

Jason: what do you mean I am 18! You are so annoying! (Click)

He wouldn't answer my calls after that and turns out The CNA was able to talk him out of it.

I relayed the conversation to Carmelo and we both kind of laughed. I squinted my eyes at the ceiling:

"THIS AND CANCER Bruh?!"

Dayum.

Dark Sense Of Humor

"Worrying is like praying for something you  DON'T WANT To Happen."

Best advice In The FREE FUCKING WORLD.

A Post That Has Nothing To Do With Jason...

I think "What?" Is the most annoying question. It's infinite in answers. You never say it because you didn't hear what someone said. You heard them. Just what they said caught you off guard. It knocked wind out of you or punched you in the chin and you did not expect it. What could be the start of any number of confusing things someone wants to know and no matter how many ways explained can still cannot comprehend the answer to.

I have been sick recently. One of those things you can't seem to brush off forcing me to go to the doctor. I don't have time to wipe my ass in peace much less find time for a doctor for me. I have Jason, a husband and two little ones who need so Much I will cut my left arm off and feed it to them before I take a morsel of food to my own lips. What makes you think that a pain or cough of my own would have me scrounge up enough time for me to go to a doctor?

But I digress. I did. While searching for one thing. They mistakenly and thankfully found another. RCC. Renal Cell Carcinoma. Newly diagnosed, still wading through the water to figure out- the whys and the wherefores- but it leads me back to the opening of this post:

What?

I like doctors who are direct. Hurt my feelings in a business tone outright. This way I'll expect it and not be hurt further later.

What?

I have (3) kids at home. I don't have time for Renal Cell Carcinoma!

How the fuck did I get that?

What?

I called 3 of my oldest friends. After I told each of them they all ended the call by telling me they loved me....And I was able to bullshit about it. Like a normal person, pissed about the day- but I'm pissed about my life...

- so like going thru all this shit does it means I am God's favorite? Like its Jesus, Job then me?

- like can I take knee? I am really tired and sweaty from playing and I would

Love to just take a knee and step out of the game for a minute... Ya know?

- my son get's a rare brain disease that is 90% towards only attacking girls, fights for his life for a year now and by the way I got cancer...

This blog is like church to me. I come here when I feel bad or sad and writing stuff sometimes makes it better. I don't read comments. Not looking for advice. Just not holding it in...sometimes...because I just...can't...cry...anymore...

These words are my tears...

Jason is getting better. And the world goes round.