God's Time

The day started, like most days of the last 16 months. As I stir in the morning to wakefulness I begin thanking God. I thank him for the morning, my life, my family, my health and I begin to beg for Jason. Even diagnosed with cancer, Jason's health is who I beg for. Everyday no matter what. I ask God to keep his healing hand on him because I already know that God's work is being done.

Jason text me. Then he called me. He wanted his bank card.

"Mom, I don't know where my bank card is. I think my social is..."

I sort of sat there. Frozen.

Up until this point, Jason has been coherent, but ADD. He has a thought and in the course of a sentence would lose"it" or change the subject.

He called the bank and understoodthe verification process and he needed help.

He talked to me for a while and every thought was cohesive and made sense. He was deliberate and thoughtful. Calm and collected in purpose.

It happened like they said. The doctors warned me this day would come. Coherency turned on like a light switch.

I told him I had to go. I heard it in his voice. His speech pattern and the tone.

For the first time in 16 months i just had a conversation with Jason. My pre-NMDARE Jason.

I needed to stop talking to him because the emotion was erupting like lava thru the crack this disease gave me a long time ago. I was happy, I was sad. I was relieved. 

I could hear the doctors in my head. "The psychiatric  part is one of the last things to go."

"It could happen just like that! Where one day he is just back."

This is it. After all this time. It is really over.

I was anxious. I wanted to scream. I had this feeling coming over me, that I havent felt in a long time.

I was so panicked I forgot to breathe