A Post That Has Nothing To Do With Jason...

I think "What?" Is the most annoying question. It's infinite in answers. You never say it because you didn't hear what someone said. You heard them. Just what they said caught you off guard. It knocked wind out of you or punched you in the chin and you did not expect it. What could be the start of any number of confusing things someone wants to know and no matter how many ways explained can still cannot comprehend the answer to.

I have been sick recently. One of those things you can't seem to brush off forcing me to go to the doctor. I don't have time to wipe my ass in peace much less find time for a doctor for me. I have Jason, a husband and two little ones who need so Much I will cut my left arm off and feed it to them before I take a morsel of food to my own lips. What makes you think that a pain or cough of my own would have me scrounge up enough time for me to go to a doctor?

But I digress. I did. While searching for one thing. They mistakenly and thankfully found another. RCC. Renal Cell Carcinoma. Newly diagnosed, still wading through the water to figure out- the whys and the wherefores- but it leads me back to the opening of this post:

What?

I like doctors who are direct. Hurt my feelings in a business tone outright. This way I'll expect it and not be hurt further later.

What?

I have (3) kids at home. I don't have time for Renal Cell Carcinoma!

How the fuck did I get that?

What?

I called 3 of my oldest friends. After I told each of them they all ended the call by telling me they loved me....And I was able to bullshit about it. Like a normal person, pissed about the day- but I'm pissed about my life...

- so like going thru all this shit does it means I am God's favorite? Like its Jesus, Job then me?

- like can I take knee? I am really tired and sweaty from playing and I would

Love to just take a knee and step out of the game for a minute... Ya know?

- my son get's a rare brain disease that is 90% towards only attacking girls, fights for his life for a year now and by the way I got cancer...

This blog is like church to me. I come here when I feel bad or sad and writing stuff sometimes makes it better. I don't read comments. Not looking for advice. Just not holding it in...sometimes...because I just...can't...cry...anymore...

These words are my tears...

Jason is getting better. And the world goes round.