Sore Loser

We stepped back a little. Jason's Hallucinations are up. Nothing horrible, (yet). A gentler, calmer hallucination. The problem is, a step back puts us all at edge and less at ease. We have seen the other side. We are all terrified of going there. Hallucinations are usually the precursor to a more ominous Jason.

In other news...

I have a chance at saving my kidney. Laparoscopic. See usually at this part I would say I am already fucked you can't be more fucked -but apparently you can. I can live on half a kidney if need be, and so far I have a spare. If I remove this entirely and something forms in the other that is where the "more fucked" option comes in. So at this point I am making every effort to save it.

But the terror doesn't come in that. The terror I have right now is going offline. Not being able to be there should this ominous warning from Jason's psyche produce something more. No one in this world loves Jason as much as I do. No one in this world could understand.

Thinking about him going full hulk and needing the hospital to subdue him the only way they possibly can with cops and sending him out to a hospital that I cannot run to is killing me more than any cancer could. Thankfully we have not come to this. But I need to make every effort not to.

I usually do this unmedicated. But now I need the meds. Now that fucking crack in my psyche is oozing and my poker face has eyes that glisten uncontrollably. I still don't cry, but I definitely can't hide the emotion as well as I once could.

It's a lot to hold in. Imagine holding back a tidal wave with a screen door...

You got me. You got me good. You blindsided me while I was in the middle of a war with my son and reminded me I am mere Mortal. I always thought Jason was my Achilles heel, but apparently I have  another. 

There are many levels of pain, and when you think you reach your threshold, you get reminded there are more.

If you ask me my programmed response is "I'm ok" The second response "I am alive"

I can't admit that I am actually a mess in the middle of two wars: one for the life of my son and now for my own life.

I am in no way shape or form prepared to lose either.