On the 1 year anniversary of something you usually celebrate. When you think of an anniversary you imagine there should be some sort of joy. Right? Yesterday I preferred radio silence. I didn't post because I was searching for Zen and absorbing life as it is now. Jason text me and he facetimed and I had to end the calls quickly because he is so much like "MY Jason" that I want to burst into tears and wail. He is playing Xbox and asking for money, and asking for clothes and doing every pain in the ass thing Jason circa 2015 did before he got sick. Yet in my mind's eye Jason all plugged up in ICU was just yesterday and I am afraid. I am afraid to accept this and be happy because what if I wake up and it isn't real?
So I am doing what I know how. Walking dead style. Getting up and doing what is expected of me. Not really knowing how, but understanding why. Work, babies, school, home and taking it one day at a time. Being a consistent drone about real life. The only way to live right now is to be For lack of a better term: mechanical. Maybe one day this NEW normal will be normal and the shock of acceptance will have faded away and I will just live and love my old/new Jason.
It's really all I can do right now. It's all I can handle.
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