No More Tears

I don't cry anymore. My body hurts, there are aches and pains and it's ugly. So American Horror Story horrifically ugly. But that emotion to bring the tears doesn't shine thru anymore. 

I was home last night, trying to relax because the crazy with Jason has been about all weekend. But I felt it. Bruce Banner was there all day. I just felt the Hulk would come, when I got the call that he was being difficult I knew I had to stay the night. 

2AM the Hulk wanted to go catch the Megabus. I had to subdue him and the scuffle that ensued broke a very expensive bra and injured my little pinky. I always get asked if I am ok. You just watch me dodge a fist fight and hold down the exorcist and I guess asking if I am hungry or want a cup of coffee is not appropriate. The appropriate question is , "are you ok?" and I'm used to calmly and mechanically answering "yes". I don't cry, my heart doesn't race like before. The adrenaline is there in the scuffle and gone when it's over. The animal I fought with wasn't my son. The animal that tried to kick and punch and bite is not the boy I raised. It's the encephalitis riddled zombie he has become. He's essentially a real life version of the "Walking Dead's Penny". But she only comes into him in spurts and in real life I have the certainty of him being better. 

But I most certainly am The Governor. Choosing to be his only handler because he is mine and no one else would

Understand. 

The fit left almost as fast as it came. A PRN later he was getting his regular meds. His nurse afraid of him. He never touched her and she wasn't involved in the scuffle but seeing was enough. She was scared to give the meds and I helped her. Then the Hulk decided to show again. 

After 20 more minutes and his aide's help it was over, he got injected with another PRN anyway and he chilled out.

Obviously I got no sleep. I came home dressed the babies dropped them off at daycare and headed into work. Ready to field all the OMG questions my face will merit. I am tired. Like my soul is tired. Thankfully the questions didn't come. Not sure if it's an astute means of letting me get thru work without a field of questions or a general population of people who don't really care or want to hear about it. Regardless the reason, I am grateful. Grateful no one makes me live the story over and over. 

We had a bad day. Now we have to shrug it off and see what we can do to make better preparation for the days to come.

Maybe that's why I don't cry anymore. I know this is only temporary...