Try To Do Better

I had my meeting with Columbia today. No lawyers involved. No lump sum being put in my bank acct. Not looking for money or notoriety.

I was looking to be human. My eyes hurt, my chest hurt. Dredging up the muddy parts of this crazy life of 11 months and 1 day- My heart hurts. I relived moments i wanted to forget. Moments i promised myself i would not have to

Go back to. I want to ball up in the fetal position and cry. But I won't. I can see the GIF in my mind's eye, "Aint nobody got time for that!"

You are exceptional, they tell me.

You are amazing, they tell me.

When you hear things like that really good feelings are supposed to envelope you and this euphoria should spread.

It doesn't.

I dont feel any of that.

No matter how many teary-eyed empathetic people tell me this i feel broken. I feel like crap. I miss my son how he was and I just want him back.

I spoke to aome Columbia Chiefs, wio took time out of their day to speak to me. People who listened and implemented changes and worked on the things that went wrong while acknowledging what went right. Parents like me qho have no idea how i have done it. And praise me

For not showing where I cracked. I wanted to be fair to those that I have crossed paths with that were not so great because we are all human. As time has helped smooth over some of the hurt and pain, the forgiveness I seek from God for all my offenses I want to give to others because we all deserve it.

We all need a chance to make things right. I hope that those i spoke of know this. I didn't want a witch hunt or a beheading.

I just want change.

For me.

For Jason.

For the Jason's yet to come.