God Please Watch Over My Boy

Of all the gifts God has given me my kids are the most precious. Jason is what I am most proud of accomplishing in this lifetime. I took a baby and raised it into a man and I didn't break it. Something else did. Now through the Grace of God I am hoping to fix it. Please pray for my son Jason. Please pray that his health improves and he continues to show improvement over this horrible disease.inhope none of you never know what this pain is. I beg you all to pray for Jason and help bring awareness to what ANMDARE is so that maybe they can one day find a cure and no one will ever have to go through this again. This is a living hell no one could fathom. 

#pray4Jason

Typical Me And Jason

The Best People Show Up in Times Of Need

The outpouring of support helps like you have no idea. Jason needs all the prayers, he needs all the hope and he needs all the love he is getting.

Please don't stop.

Thank you to Jason's football coaches and football mom for reaching out to me. The pictures of my baby boy enjoying  his football days are amazing. They are helping me right now like you have no idea.

I Didn't Choose The Game, The Game Chose Me...

Have you ever watched smog dissipate? I mean really stared at it? Until the very last wisps of air becomes so transparent you don't see it? If you pay close attention it never really goes away. If you pay really good attention and follow it there's always this murkiness to what you see through it. It's never quite clear again.

My life seems like that now. This illness that has robbed me of my son for the last  47 days has done this to me. So far it has taken 47 days and 47 lbs and it is still not done with me.

We didn't make it to the promise land today. We are still here "wading in the water"...

There's a hiccup. A really bad one that we don't know why.

A normal heart rate is between 60-100.

Jason's was 28. And it held for a little bit.

I'm not okay.

Keep Holding On...

I post a lot and can be very candid but there is still so much you do not know.

I have been away from him 24/hrs fever preventing me from going to the hospital. His grandmothers and private nurses taking care of him. I, between bouts of consciousness, call to remind them about putting Carmex on his lips and putting lotion on his feet. It's killing me slowly to be away. I fight with myself every other minute. I fight with Carmelo. I fight with the hospital. I cry until I cry myself to sleep, wake up and start again.

I don't have energy but I'm finding it. 

I walked into his empty bedroom today and started packing his clothes. Making him a bag for a place I am

Sending him to that has told me they can help make him better. I pray they aren't lying to me. I can't think past this minute because to think about tomorrow and all the changes that take place makes me stop breathing.

Picking through his clothes to decide what he would want. Finding his crocs and uggs just in case. I don't know what he might use them for at the moment, being in bed for 7 weeks, but I want him to have them. I have seen other people leave the hospital in just a gown and apparently vanity has not left my heart yet because I can't allow my son to leave that way.

He is loved and cared for and I cannot allow him to be Looking abandoned in a hospital gown wheeled out the front door to an ambulance. I want him in his clothes, with his shoes on. In case he has a moment of clarity I want him to feel more like himself.

I could cry. I could cry so hard the slight airway I have in my left nostril will close. I  am trying to be this strong person I am supposed to be because my son needs someone to prepare him for the next step. I need someone to prepare me. He's ready.

I'm not.

It does not matter what I want these days.

I need your help. I am too sick to wallow in the sadness. I need help to stay positive and this is what I need:

Here is a chance to be a huge part of Jason's recovery.

I need pictures, collages, friendly and creative items that can be hung on Jason's wall in his new bedroom to help remind him of life before ANMDARE and can help him come through the fog of encephalitis. All of his friends can send me pictures/funny memes with him in it, handmade cards, Xmas Cards, well wishes - anything that can be printed and hung up and focused on to help jog his memory sooner rather than later. You can tag Instagram/Twitter/Facebook photos with #pray4jason and I will

Find them and print them.

Videos I will

Download to a tablet so he can see them.

All these little reminders can help

Him snap out of the fog faster. In turn he will be ready for visitors.

Please submit photos, videos, memes of Jason, you and Jason to the email address below. Also contact me via email at Irenemendoza2013@gmail.com for any handmade collages you would like to submit. Please be as creative as possible, we want to decorate an amazing room for Jason. I am a big proponent of ArT Therapy. Art therapy will be helpful for all of us, and it will be an amazing gift for Jason to open his eyes to familiar faces and moments in life that made him Happy. It can help him remember, and awaken.

Right now we still will not be having visitors for some time. While Jason is better, when he was still

Coherent he asked me not to let anyone see him in the hospital and I allowed visitation once out of fear it may have been the last time you did see him. Now he is for the most part over that threshold and I want to allow him to receive guests when he is ready to understand who you are and respond.

I know you all miss him, but please think of Jason and what are his wishes. It is about what Jason would want and how he would feel. As soon as he is of a mind to have guests I will open the flood gates and allow it as well as offer weekly carpools to go see him.

Thank you for all your love, help and support. I need each and every one of you right now.

The Thing Is

While the news is phenomenal that Jason got into where we wanted him no one offers that reassurance yet. All is not clear. It becomes a point where you start to notice all their tells when they talk to you. Dr Hoenig looks down and shrugs when he speaks of the future. His tone becomes more cautious and deliberate. His smile not as easy. He smiles all the time so you notice when he holds it back.  The nurse practitioner looks away and pretends she sees someone. Then after future talk is over and she is speaking in the present tense she is able to look at you and smile. No one looks you in the eye and assures you he will be perfectly okay. No one acts like Rhonda. She was the only one that when Jason was at his absolute worse looked me right in the eye and gave me assurances. She might not have even been certain but she acted like she was. I couldn't catch her tell, I didn't see her flinch. With the news of rehab they still look down and talk to me about the future. The tone is still cautious like they see something ahead they are afraid to tell me about. They make me afraid to get happy because the let down is like a fall from a cliff with jagged rock at the bottom waiting for me. I am afraid. I want Rhonda.

God Please!!

I am trying to function like a human being. I am trying to keep medical coverage and an income to keep my son on an upward path to rehabilitation. I am trying to make all these decisions and moves to ensure he is going to succeed in getting better.

I am fucking trying!!! I don't sleep, I don't eat! I am sick and can't breathe.

I have an aide helping him to cover shifts to watch him because at this point I am so weak and I can't keep going like this.  Physically, mentally and emotionally. His grandmothers also help taking turns but it takes (2) people now to subdue him and his movements. He tried to climb out of bed. He tried to climb out of the Damn bed and went for his throat instead pulling out his tracheostomy. You know who Rapid Response is? Those are the people who come to try and make sure you don't die. You know they have come twice for Jason so far right? Twice they stopped him from dying. Do you know what that is? As his mother do you know what that does to me?!?! Mentally!? Physically!?! Emotionally?!?!

Somebody takes a knife every day and disembowels me from my gut to my throat. No mercy killing. It's slow. Every single day.

I pray all day, every single day. God please! Give me strength! Give me

Help! Protect Jason! Make him

Better! I am not strong anymore. I'm not. You think so. But I know. I am weak.