Until...

The medication he gets is stronger. So he doesn't punch and kick and get as upset as he once did. The delusions are still there. He talks animatedly about cars he has never owned and jobs he has never had. He should be a straight A student with how worried he is about school. To have him back to how he once was I will take those skin of the teeth B's he once gave me. Sometimes for a second he gives you a taste of who he is. The smart mouth Jason who notices things you wish he didn't. These moments make me happy because I know Jason is in there and he is coming out. I just need to keep on keeping on with the patience of a saint. I'm still the person who annoys him most in life. I would get upset about that in another time, another life, now I relish in that information. No more is he almost in a coma, almost a vegetable. He is awake enough to have an opinion. Even if for the moment it is against me, his biggest fan, I will take it and I will grin ear to ear about it.

He is eating. Not as much as he did pre-this insane life- but enough that it counts. Cereal, strawberries-soft food. Grandma's lemon cake-and pizza. 

He is walking. Not his usual gait. A more subdued one but the steps are there. Unassisted. He is trying. He gets up everyday and doesn't stop and that's why I continue too.

When I look back at how much has happened, the nervous breakdown I so desperately deserve starts to rattle in its cage begging to be let out and I try to calm it and tell it to wait. The PTSD is there. I feel it. How I function through it? I don't know. Or maybe what I am feeling is something completely different. Crazy people don't know their crazy right? How the fuck am I scheduling my nervous breakdown??

I don't know. I don't know much of anything anymore. 

Free Writing: The Expenses

I once took a writing class and we had this thing called free writing. Where you had to keep your pen to the paper for 5 minutes and write whatever came to mind. This post is a testament to that:

The expenses creep up on you. When you don't lie on your Medicaid application and have a loser sperm donor who does not communicate or help the government tells you "No, you are not poor enough for us to help. Go figure it out." E-z Pass costs money, so does food when you are out all day and feel dizzy from not eating and have to buy takeout. Wear and tear on the car ain't free and clothes last but so many times being doused in vitamin laden piss and shit before you have to buy them anew. You don't get bonus pay checks for this stuff. The money collected so far has been spread over the 20% in doctor bills insurance does not pay for. And I am still paying for.

Jason is "emerging" this means he wakes up everyday and does something slightly more characteristically himself or even civil. He walked yesterday. Without his wheelchair being dragged behind him. Without a walker being held in front of him. Just a simple slightly shuffled gait where as he puts it his, "Achilles tendon is killing him." He asked for food. He wants to eat. His bottom jaw still damaged from negligent care at Columbia. He is not well enough to have his teeth fixed, so we have to wade through this part and try an accommodate where we can.

I had to buy him groceries. At this stage in the game he is waking up and hospital food is well hospital food. We have to determine if he really has no appetite or if he just really hates the food. It's strange going shopping for two distinct households. When it was just Jason and I shopping was always a pain. No company makes single serve food. I take that statement back. Of The Foods I Like, No company makes single serve food. I have to buy a box of everything or multiple portion. Jason gets sick of things easily. Well, he used to. I don't think he will eat an entire box of POp tarts yet and if he did they would sit around too long anyway. What he likes to eat and the way I feed the little ones is different. The babies were raised on more natural and organic, while Jason was raised by twenty-something me who fed him more crap. Funny organic is expensive but crap food bills seem to be about the same now. Maybe I can use this to change his taste buds, and see if he will convert. 

He slept the whole night last night. First night in forever. Sleep heals the brain. He is being friendly and respectful and not talking madness and being combative. I am grateful for that. I thank God for every  thing he has done. The miracles have been limitless and I have held to the mantra that I will not trust what I see. I can't. If I did I would have abandoned this Odyssey long ago and died of the pain and sorrow of loss. 

My beautiful Jason is not "there" yet but he is closer today than he was 5 months ago. He has shown tremendous improvement and restored faith in so many that nothing is impossible. Sometimes I feel alone, in crowded rooms with dozens of people. I feel alone because what I feel in my heart no one else shares on my level. And in that most intimate place where few people can travel no one can help me shake that feeling. But the loneliness has no choice but to move and make room and somehow dissipate because of so many people who reach out and comment and call and text and just pray. All of you who just ask That things clear up and get better somehow help. You help more than you can ever imagine. We would have never have made it this far without you.

Cats In The Cradle

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when
But we'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then."

Well, he came from college just the other day
So much like a man, I just had to say
"Son, I'm proud of you. Can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head, and he said with a smile
"What I'd really like, dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later; can I have them please?"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when
But we'll get together then, dad
You know we'll have a good time then."

-Cats in the Cradle

I went straight home yesterday from work. 24 hrs without seeing Jason. I called and face timed and made sure he was okay. Driving nurses crazy and walking to the elevator without assistance because he "has to go".

I took a minute to go home and shower my little babies with kisses and hugs and show them how much I miss and love them. They both gave me a typical hello hug and kiss when I came in. After getting settled I went for more. Tristan was playing with his toy train. I asked my curly haired cherub for besitos. He put up his hand and did not look at me, "you gotta wait." He said unmoved by my pleading look. I had to blink back my smile and gave him a look of surprise. 

I sat over at the kids plastic table and my 5 year old princess walked over. One hand on her hip, her head cocked to the side and her other hand using a finger to point downward.

"Um, mommy, I was sitting there. Don't you see I am coloring there?, she asked me matter of factly.

Again, my look of surprise and a smile curled the corners of my mouth, wrinkling the cut left there from Jason's nails and hurting me a little bit.

"Oh, so I guess I am nobody anymore. I just pay the rent?"

Tristan, not looking up from his train set, "yea mommy, you pay rent and be quiet."

Buffalo Wings & Fries

"...Where no one feels anyone else's pain, Sleep like a baby tonight, in your dreams everything is alright, tomorrow dawns like its suicide, but you gonna sleep like a baby tonight..." -U2 Songs of Innocence

What a difference a day makes? Last night I was exhausted. When the ambulance came to pick up Jason from Columbia, I felt like Charlie Sheen at the end of Platoon when the chopper pulled away. I was battered and fucked up. I wanted out and didn't have the energy to rejoice. It was a bittersweet victory. Taking my son back to his rehab and feeling a sense of relief that he is there. He slept the whole way and even at the hospital. I straightened up his room and kissed him goodbye. Then took a cab back home without him. I never get used to that part. The panic attacks stopped. They were really bad when he was at Columbia, I don't know how Carmelo put up with me then. Now the sadness is just heavy because Jason is no where near ready for home. My chest aches. Sometimes it feels hollow, sometimes it feels heavy, sometimes it just actually hurts. (Insert calls to see a cardiologist here, yea I know. I'll schedule that with my much deserved nervous breakdown). When I got home I showered, kissed my babies and tried to eat for the first time all day. I was too scared to leave him on our last day so I didn't get food. Too afraid that red and black demon from insidious was hovering over his bed waiting to pounce and snatch out his G tube or let some crazy unexplainable shit happen that would only happen in the storyline of my life. So I didn't move. I stayed centurion the entire day and worried about the dust my kidneys cough out when I try to pee or the hollowed out area where my stomach once was at a later time. It worked. We made it. I was glad and sad. We tested him and he is not having seizures. I did what they said works-4rounds of chemo. Even if I had to pin him down for the last hour and pray to God to let this wave of illness pass and let us finish. It worked. He made it. Now we wait. We wait and see what happens because this is the medicine. This is what we do. Today Jason was calm, cooperative. He pulled out his Maldita GTube but he was not combative when it was time to put it back in. He ate with the therapist today and asked for an order of Buffalo wings and fries. He told the nurse to charge it to his debit card. Yesterday my diseased ravage son savagely tried to beat the shit out of me for 10 minutes as I held him down to get chemo therapy. Today the medicine I helped force into him is giving me my son, my real son, back.

What a fucking difference a day motherfucking makes.

My Favorite Neurologist

Dr. David Robinson is my favorite Neurologist. He is smart, aggressive with treatment and is very analytical. He pays a lot of attention which I find a lot of doctors claim to do but don't. If you need a great neurologist you need to look up Dr Robinson.

No Man's Land

I do my own vitals and pretty often. Daily at least. It surprises me that my blood pressure remains normal. My heart rate can race after fighting with Jason but that is normal I guess. We have been here since Saturday. Saturday the ambulance picked him up with no courtesy call that they were on their way, and I lost it. I wanted to crucify the rehab and to crucify the hospital. I'm used to a particular way of handling at the rehab. It's a community based atmosphere and this disease has created such a manic paranoia in me that I have to be in control of every moment of Jason's care less I lose it- big time. M

Linda Blair Jason's Alter Ego

It's the 2nd week of this bullshit and sick and tired needs a new scenario. I'm sick in every way you can imagine. I am tired. I am so tired. You just don't know how tired I am. Jason is big. As in had a growth spurt apparently. Fighting with him is like fighting with a savage grown man. And I have no choice but to fight with him. They give him enough sedatives to take down a moose and he still has enough fight in him to grab me by my face and slash me Freddy Krueger Style. My face is fucked up again. His BP was too low to get another PRN and he decided to go savage when we were in the middle Of his chemo infusion. If it were Stopped we would miss our ride back to rehab. I can't miss that but today-So I decide to sacrifice myself.

I get kicked and punched and cursed out. And I know it is not him, so no matter how hard he comes at me I hold back on him. He calls me names that our not my own and is always thinking I am fighting him. I never lash out. I never hit him back. I am always on defense. Today, after  another 48 hrs of raw uncensored Jason in less than 7 days it hurt. When I saw myself in the mirror where he got me yet again on my face and I looked at the bruises all over my arms and hands I cried. I cried hard because I don't know how much longer I can do this. I would never forgive myself if I let them dope him with more meds after everything they told me. And today's fight was for a good reason. I could see the promise land! It was 1 hr away from complete infusion and Jason wanted to pick 59 minutes from the end of this nightmare to go postal. I had to pin him down and wear him out and let him get past his spell without anymore meds because his blood pressure was just on the border of not being able to take it. I can't do another day with him. I love him to death, I know I do but if we were stuck here another night I would not be able to stay. Physically, emotionally and mentally I am fried. I have been fried before but this is black and ashened. I need a break. It's funny because you have to gauge Jason to see how to treat him. He was savagely trying to beat his mother 10'minutes ago. Ten minutes later he flutters those fake looking eyelashes and looks at me completely oblivious to the animal he was just being. The NMDARE retreating for all of 2 minutes. Calmly, and in his own voice he says, "Mom, you know I love you right?" 

I look at him. Part of me wanting to beat him for 10

Minutes ago and the other part amazed at how innocent and oblivious his pattern of speech is. I see the expression in his eyes and realize this is what i fight the disease for. This is my boy. I answer genuinely, "I know you do Jason."

"I do with all of my heart mom." He said before turning over and falling into a deep sleep. God always gives us what we need. He knows I needed that today.