The expenses creep up on you. When you don't lie on your Medicaid application and have a loser sperm donor who does not communicate or help the government tells you "No, you are not poor enough for us to help. Go figure it out." E-z Pass costs money, so does food when you are out all day and feel dizzy from not eating and have to buy takeout. Wear and tear on the car ain't free and clothes last but so many times being doused in vitamin laden piss and shit before you have to buy them anew. You don't get bonus pay checks for this stuff. The money collected so far has been spread over the 20% in doctor bills insurance does not pay for. And I am still paying for.
Jason is "emerging" this means he wakes up everyday and does something slightly more characteristically himself or even civil. He walked yesterday. Without his wheelchair being dragged behind him. Without a walker being held in front of him. Just a simple slightly shuffled gait where as he puts it his, "Achilles tendon is killing him." He asked for food. He wants to eat. His bottom jaw still damaged from negligent care at Columbia. He is not well enough to have his teeth fixed, so we have to wade through this part and try an accommodate where we can.
I had to buy him groceries. At this stage in the game he is waking up and hospital food is well hospital food. We have to determine if he really has no appetite or if he just really hates the food. It's strange going shopping for two distinct households. When it was just Jason and I shopping was always a pain. No company makes single serve food. I take that statement back. Of The Foods I Like, No company makes single serve food. I have to buy a box of everything or multiple portion. Jason gets sick of things easily. Well, he used to. I don't think he will eat an entire box of POp tarts yet and if he did they would sit around too long anyway. What he likes to eat and the way I feed the little ones is different. The babies were raised on more natural and organic, while Jason was raised by twenty-something me who fed him more crap. Funny organic is expensive but crap food bills seem to be about the same now. Maybe I can use this to change his taste buds, and see if he will convert.
He slept the whole night last night. First night in forever. Sleep heals the brain. He is being friendly and respectful and not talking madness and being combative. I am grateful for that. I thank God for every thing he has done. The miracles have been limitless and I have held to the mantra that I will not trust what I see. I can't. If I did I would have abandoned this Odyssey long ago and died of the pain and sorrow of loss.
My beautiful Jason is not "there" yet but he is closer today than he was 5 months ago. He has shown tremendous improvement and restored faith in so many that nothing is impossible. Sometimes I feel alone, in crowded rooms with dozens of people. I feel alone because what I feel in my heart no one else shares on my level. And in that most intimate place where few people can travel no one can help me shake that feeling. But the loneliness has no choice but to move and make room and somehow dissipate because of so many people who reach out and comment and call and text and just pray. All of you who just ask That things clear up and get better somehow help. You help more than you can ever imagine. We would have never have made it this far without you.
No comments:
Post a Comment