Linda Blair Jason's Alter Ego

It's the 2nd week of this bullshit and sick and tired needs a new scenario. I'm sick in every way you can imagine. I am tired. I am so tired. You just don't know how tired I am. Jason is big. As in had a growth spurt apparently. Fighting with him is like fighting with a savage grown man. And I have no choice but to fight with him. They give him enough sedatives to take down a moose and he still has enough fight in him to grab me by my face and slash me Freddy Krueger Style. My face is fucked up again. His BP was too low to get another PRN and he decided to go savage when we were in the middle Of his chemo infusion. If it were Stopped we would miss our ride back to rehab. I can't miss that but today-So I decide to sacrifice myself.

I get kicked and punched and cursed out. And I know it is not him, so no matter how hard he comes at me I hold back on him. He calls me names that our not my own and is always thinking I am fighting him. I never lash out. I never hit him back. I am always on defense. Today, after  another 48 hrs of raw uncensored Jason in less than 7 days it hurt. When I saw myself in the mirror where he got me yet again on my face and I looked at the bruises all over my arms and hands I cried. I cried hard because I don't know how much longer I can do this. I would never forgive myself if I let them dope him with more meds after everything they told me. And today's fight was for a good reason. I could see the promise land! It was 1 hr away from complete infusion and Jason wanted to pick 59 minutes from the end of this nightmare to go postal. I had to pin him down and wear him out and let him get past his spell without anymore meds because his blood pressure was just on the border of not being able to take it. I can't do another day with him. I love him to death, I know I do but if we were stuck here another night I would not be able to stay. Physically, emotionally and mentally I am fried. I have been fried before but this is black and ashened. I need a break. It's funny because you have to gauge Jason to see how to treat him. He was savagely trying to beat his mother 10'minutes ago. Ten minutes later he flutters those fake looking eyelashes and looks at me completely oblivious to the animal he was just being. The NMDARE retreating for all of 2 minutes. Calmly, and in his own voice he says, "Mom, you know I love you right?" 

I look at him. Part of me wanting to beat him for 10

Minutes ago and the other part amazed at how innocent and oblivious his pattern of speech is. I see the expression in his eyes and realize this is what i fight the disease for. This is my boy. I answer genuinely, "I know you do Jason."

"I do with all of my heart mom." He said before turning over and falling into a deep sleep. God always gives us what we need. He knows I needed that today.