A Sea Of Calm

I think you should keep that no news is good news. It is hard to post when he is "okay" because the minute I press publish its like the words rattle the cage and it begins again. The village is set on fire, the villagers are running around screaming. Begging someone to do something and I "The Lord Commander" of it all sitting there shaking my damn head because I am running out of options on what to do.

Mike Tyson has not punched anyone out in a few weeks.

Families have not been upset that a screaming madman has walked the halls.

Some medications are being lowered and every now and then he texts me "I love you".

When I was a kid I went through this type of mental abuse. Loving people who could only hurt you and profess their love again when you are in pain. I broke every tether and tie to those people. Essentially cutting off every toxic family member I had until there were none left to speak of. I thought I was safe from making excuses for someone I love because I love them or I believe they don't know any better.

Then came this illness. And the person with the power to hurt me the most in this world was used as a puppet to do exactly that. This Maldita illness that So many times I have been strong enough to not let hurt me. But at certain time of the month and at certain points of life this disease has manage to take its clawed hand and grab me by my jugular vein. Wrapping a whole hand around it tight before beginning to pull.

I can feel the tension. The want for it to pop and break and make me lose everything I am and everything I have as the blood, sense and mental stability floods out of me. 

That's what this feels like. It feels that crazy and it feels THAT bad at times. You wonder how does someone survive this? As you get up every day like a drone and dress and function and do it again and again.

Then you realize there really is no method, or regimen, or way to do these things. 

You just do it.