Happy Mother's Day

I am sitting in the terminal waiting to go home. A week long business trip keeping me from my (3) babies all week. I miss them. I miss us. I miss last year this time. When they were all healthy and happy and driving me crazy.

I sat here thumbing through Facebook. Smirking at the cute and funny and smiling at the profiles of so many who changed it to show how much they love their mom. For a minute I dipped into it. That deep well of sorrow and despair that  lives inside me. I felt a drop fall that reminded me that my boy is still blinded by encephalitis and we still have a way to go to be 100%. He won't know it is Mother's Day. There will be no mention from him in coherency. I will have to be careful how I hug him, less he will push me away. I have to pretend it doesn't bother me and move on. I miss him so much. I am with him everyday and I miss him. I miss his smart mouth and his quick wit and his stubbornness.

I mentally pulled up my big girl panties. Wiping away the snot that threatens to fall from my nose with the back of my sleeve. Trying to pretend my nostrils don't burn from crying. I can't do this. I can't go there. Not yet and I am unsure of when it will be okay to do so. too much goes on, too much is at stake. I have too much to do. I can't think about the parts of this Odyssey that hurt today. I have to focus on what is at hand. There are people who visit their kids grave. I am lucky enough to have mine still in a hospital with the promise to be 100% one day.

I just have to keep being patient. Even though sometimes I don't want to.