3:33 33AM

I rolled my eyes and the above is what time it was. Jason was sending me to hell and giving me the middle finger. He "has to go to class" and screams and raises his hands as if he will hit me, and curses at me. I don't flinch, I wish a muthafucka would, and I grab him and throw his ass back on the bed.

Like the exorcist again. He goes from Linda Blair on ten to a little boy. Sobbing softly because he doesn't understand why I pushed him into the bed. I didn't do it hard. I would never hurt him. But I have no choice. The pattern is the overnight gap in meds is when his body starts to follow a routine. A routine of getting up, getting ready and having to leave. The problem is in his confusion he wants to actually leave, down the elevator and out the hospital and we can't have that. So I stop him. If I have to get physical I will. Usually a stern redirection, a threat of taking his phone works. Sometimes I have to grab his hands as they try to smack or hit or straddle his knees to stop the kicking. The new med takes a minute to work. A minute being 3 weeks. I don't know if this behavior has that long here.

I know what is coming. It is the inevitable and it kills me in more ways than you could ever know. 

Jason's father Abandoned him. He never was a part of his life and was blatant about it. He has a child older than Jason and a child younger and he has been in both their lives. But Jason was never afforded a thought.

When Jason was 2 and had pneumonia I called him to tell him how bad it was. His response: Why are you calling me?

At his daughter's Sweet 16 the photographer got them all in a picture. Jason off to the side a few feet away while his arms are around his other kids. He never even spoke to Jason that night or introduced him to his little brother.

Now with 3 near misses with the god of death and his biological is still a no show. Uncaring, unmoving. 

When Jason was a little boy, old enough to understand what true abandonment was he would always tell me:

"Mommy, when I have kids I will never be like Conrad. I will love all of my kids."

"Mommy when I have kids I am going to hug them like you so they know I love them."

It broke my heart to hear him say that. It broke my heart that a piece of shit like his father was able to even have kids when so many I know want and struggle to do so.

I know that Jason would be a great dad some day. He had a fine example in his stepfather. His want to give his kids everything his biological father didn't give him is strong. 

With this next round of treatment I am going to take that ability and privilege away from Jason. 

Although all signs point to me having no other choice...

...I will never forgive myself.