Dear Jason,

I don't ever want you to know my side of this. I don't ever want you to know what this part of your disease feels like. The part where I have to talk to doctors and fight and argue about your treatment plans. The part where I go to work wishing every minute I could be with you because I am afraid of what is going on when I am not there. I am terrified every day that this disease will cause you to do something to get kicked out of this hospital and put in a more adult facility under the premise of it "being for your own good". That would devastate me and our family because then for sure I won't be able to work anymore.

I have to choose between poison number 1 and poison number 2 and I don't want to give you either. I argue with the doctors that don't want to give me a choice and try to choose for me. In the end when this is all over I am going to have to sit you down and explain. Explain why life may or may not be different for you indefinitely. I welcome and dread that conversation. If we have this conversation it means your better. If we have this conversation I will have to explain all my decisions. If any of them scar you for life I will never forgive myself. That is what all these drugs can do.

I don't wear make up anymore because I cry so much it is obvious when I wipe it off. I just pretend I woke up late or forgot to appease everyone who thinks "I'm so pretty".

This pain I carry, the anxiety of what will happen to you and us and when and how. It's killing me. I can feel years of my life ball themselves up and fly away. I don't want you to ever know what i go thru. You have your own problems right now. To really know my side would be too much.

This disease got me. It has me by the throat, the heart, the stomach and the spine and it clenches hard with sharp talons. I can't breathe Jason. I really just can't breathe.