Beggars Better Dare Not Be Choosers

I asked for help on Easter. I know. How dare I. After not sleeping for 4 nights and 5 days I pick the holiest day on earth to ask for someone to sit with Jason. I got someone to accept and I pleaded my case. My mom was to come at 3pm giving me some hours of day light to burn for much needed errands and enough time to do some work due today AT WORK. 3 turned to 4, 4PM turned into 5PM and next thing I know my relief shows at 8PM. I can't get mad. I can't be upset. I get the guilt tripped, "I couldn't get anything to eat because I ran over here" speech. If I roll my eyes any harder they are going to tear out of the sockets and I am going to go blind. I have to grin and bear it because now their is no time to pick up groceries, no time to get the kids some items for school. I'm so tired that although I have reports due for work I can't keep my eyes open enough to think straight. I'm hallucinating with delirium. The aides have each made notes to the nurse. I have stayed up every single night with Jason and I stay up every moment of the day. The social worker came to speak to me. "The nurses are concerned. They have documented that you have been awake for over 72 hrs now."

I made 72 hrs 2 days ago.

I go home and I crash at 10PM and it felt like I blinked and Carmelo was shaking me awake at 5:55AM to ask me questions. 

I immediately call my mom. At 2AM Jason had a huge bout of agitation That causes me agitation. They were forcing him to lay down when he wanted to sit up. Not allowing him to be comfortable. TBI patient rule #1 dont engage -broken. The DR gave him (3) PRN's and he is still not sedated enough to sleep.

With this news I have to shower get my kids ready and go to work.

Tristan misses his bus because I had no one to put him on it. Samantha is late because a woman in a smart car didn't think she had enough space to pass a van in a 2 lane street she stops. I Sam stopping - We get rear ended.

Everyone is okay-I am chronicling the headache of it all. I hoped to get in with enough time to work on some things before Monday morning began. But the L train has other plans.

I pray everyday for my son's life and the betterment of his well being.

Aside from the hell I go thru with him my every day life wants to bitch and moan and test my patience even further.

I am exhausted. Please don't tell me to pray harder or be strong. You do that. I'm fucking tired.