Closing Time

"You don't have to go

Home, but you can't...stay...here..."

Closing Time-Semi sonic

"Death needs to be easier" was the last text I sent out. At the time I wrote it, I meant it. 2 weeks since his 2nd chemo and Jason has made gains. He is talking up a storm and carrying conversations and...

He is delusional. 

The inflammation in his brain has been accentuated somehow and he is reacting to stimuli that does not exist. As the inflammation goes away so will these developments but for now as we peel back more and more of his meds with his brain still Enflamed: this is real life.

He fights with no one. Punching and kicking some invisible invader always in response to  protecting  himself. His G-tube, much to my dismay, has been yanked out 6 times this week. Each time being replaced by nurses becoming more and more afraid of him. 

They called me today to try to calm him down. Typically I can. Today I watched helpless

On FaceTime as my son screamed at the top of his lungs and shook his bed like an animal

In a cage. 

It's 2 days since I have eaten. And 4 passed before that. My stomach in knots. Today they labeled him a danger to himself and Others and told me they can't keep him much longer at this place if his behavior persists. No place can take him like this and he can't come home so where does he go Arkham Asylum?

They want him to keep getting chemo. But what chemo takes care of has already been done. He needs immuno-therapy of some sort but this team only knows what chemo has done for others diseases like Leukemia and there is a hope that dousing him with chemo can have the same effect on this disease. But they don't know for sure.

They know he needs something immune but it is like they are offering an anibiotic for a virus: it won't work.

The treatment plan the team wants makes no sense and I'm not a doctor. But I am desperate so I yes them to death to buy myself some time. I want Jason to get treatment. Treatment that makes sense. Tired and riddled with anxiety I just don't know what to do anymore.  The stress of this is something I have never experienced. I once thought I hated people in this life, but with this situation I have effectively become like Jesus. I forgive every trespass and I beg forgiveness for those I have trespassed against. Jason can't get kicked out of here and I can't control him. Not sleeping and not eating will only get so far. I have to do something.

I have to go to the source.