Primitive Instincts

There is a pink gauze with sticky backing covering the hole in his neck. At 9:20Am this morning Jason's Trach collar was removed. Woo hoo! Good times! You can see the gauze puff with air when he speaks and suck back when he breathes. It's gross to think about it, but I am used to it. Apparently, the hole in your neck will close on its own if you let it.

The body is an amazing machine I tell you.

It took 11 people to get Jason off a ceiling mounted television yesterday. Don't ask for more info on that. Just shake your head like I did and let it go.

Jason is going through an awkward phase. It gets worse before it gets better. He calls out for me like I am not there, I get him to acknowledge me and for a moment I register. Then he looks for me again. It's like watching Alzheimer's in reverse. He is coming back to me so this really is just temporary.

As his mom, it's hard. It's hard to hear your son ask for food and not be able to give it to him because you can't say for certain he will swallow it. It is hard to sit there and watch him cry out for you and physically stand in front of him and do everything you can to assure him of your presence and he not understand that you are there.

I feel like Patrick Swayze in Ghost trying everything I can but there is no Ana Mae to help me get thru to him. Today is really fucking hard.