One small step toward healing. One giant step at being more normal. It is Still a little hard to look at, but as train wrecks go: I'll take the sight of it. No more plastic tubes being switched out. No more collars being noosed around his neck. It took me a long time to touch it. They want to teach you right away how to care for it when they do the procedure. I didn't have the courage to learn that fast. I still saw it as I allowed someone to slice my son's throat and insert hardware there. The very immature side of me had to battle with that for a while. Soon after I was able to get over it I was changing his inner canular on my own, able to look at the gaping hole and not cringe or flinch. I am not really sure when that moment actually happened. The last 5 months are really a blur. When this is all over, God willing, that scar will be one of the very few reminders this has ever happened. I will always look at him and see the mended reminder of what we have been through. I wonder how long it is going to take me to be able to see it and not well up the way I am not just talking about it.
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