The Guilt of Living

We took the kids to Build A Bear Friday. My guilt at not being present most days forcing me to take them for $60 teddy bears so they have something to remind them of me. Saturday saw Jason with Amanda and he talked a lot of relevant ramblings but the spontaneity unlike him. It's good that he speaks and all he talks about his college, class and his friends. It's better than good, it's awesome that he does that. Just I know my Jason and it's unlike him. He didn't believe Amanda was in front of him, he kept telling her Tita is in Florida. Her hair is different and he didn't have his glasses on, maybe that   Hindered him. I have tried to keep myself the same, hairstyle, makeup. The stress did things to my body I can't fix but I think at least my face is the same.

His neck is healing nicely. It is grossly scabbed over but the good part is that it is closed. When I see him scratch at it the crazy in me sees his finger punching a hole right thru. I get chills in my shins when he goes near it. That's like my spidey sense when it comes to Jason, my shins always feel like something is suddenly crawling on them.

He keeps pulling the G Tube so much so that it bled and they wonder how much damage is being caused On the inside.  I'm taking the little ones to the movies feeling so much guilt that I am not with Jason and he is not here. I know he is safe, I know he is good. I trust the people

Caring for him. I'm trying to learn how to live with this disease and I am also headed to see him right after.

I am going to tell him all about it.