I met with the team today. Dr. Lennihan looked me in the eye and spoke in deliberate tones. She is an older woman, soft spoken and deliberate. Her all white bob swept to the side so the light glinted on her shiny spectacles. We made changes to medicines and things were expressed. I expressed How my poor son coughs all night and day without a break or so much as a cough drop. How long do you think he sits there with his chest on fire and irritated from coughing so Much? I have the same Maldita cold/virus/crap from 2 weeks ago and my chest is on fire all day. I deliberately don't take cough drops or help soothe it as a vigil to what my poor baby feels. I can only imagine how my poor baby Jason feels? Cardiology is being called and so is pulmonary. Because I advocated for it and now everyone understands. Everyone is on board and gearing up because we want Jason to be better. We opened a new book and started a new page and we are doing things that go along the vein of acknowledgement of Jason's "awakening". They see it, it is there and now I am not the only one acknowledging his presence. The complications are still there. Over night they got worse. They are being handled as best as possible right now and they scare the living shit out of me. Jason is deemed "fragile". Swallow that down with a gulp of your morning coffee.
I can't swallow it, the knot and the acid are back in my throat. I am good when I am business. I am good when I am matter of fact. I can't speak cut and dry about Jason. He is too attached to my heart. So my voice cracks, and I speak deliberately and pause. And sometimes to the wrong person I sound weak or incapable.
I promise you I am not.
I promise neither is Jason.
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