I guess you heard me cry
You smiled at me
Like jesus to a child
I'm blessed I know
Heaven sent and heaven stole
You smiled at me like
Jesus to a child
And what have I learned
From all this pain
I thought i'd never feel the same
About anyone or anything again
But now I know" - Jesus to A Child/George Michael
He looked at me today. Not NMDA sponsored glance, but an actual look. I saw him. His eyes registered and he smiled at me. He smiled that beautiful smile that has melted my heart for 18 years. I remember the first gummy ones he ever gave me. How my glow stick twirling club kid heart would melt to pieces because he gave me a gassy smile.
No matter what kind of day I was having that smile always took everything away. Nothing in the world mattered to me when I had my boy. During 9-11 that is what made me feel safe. Getting him and having him in my arms and taking him to the park to play. That is what gave me comfort and sanity.
When we had the fire - he was the most precious thing I had and the only item I grabbed as I ran for the door. I remember turning to walk back into the apartment when he didn't respond to me. My world ended once upon a time, a long time ago when his lifeless broken body didn't stir when I asked him to. Two steps back into the direction of the heat of the apartment and he finally answered me, clinging to me and saving both our lives that night.
As quickly as the smile came it faded, and my self preservation kicked in. My psyche too fragile to handle the sudden end flooded my thoughts with every smile he ever gave me. Memories of so many precious moments playing over and over until I started to cry. I cried for every smile I missed being at work or out with friends. I cried for every smile he gave me that I was too busy to return or too upset to give back. I cried because I want his smile. I want him back and I want to know that I have many more smiles to come.
In 1997, Jason saved me. He saved me from myself. Now I sit helplessly watching him fight an invisible enemy and I want to die a million times over because I can't help him. I feel like I let him down somehow. As unrealistic as a very small part of me thinks this is - this is my fault. My DNA is partly to blame for this. I fought with his father so many times in child support court that maybe I called into manifestation his DNA to fight with mine within our son.
It makes sense now. The breakdown. My life and my sanity lay in a bed broken - how could I have not had a breakdown? My stability came out from under me. My one constant that I have relied on all these years as the foundation for my life has been laying in bed fighting for his life amid disease, setback and complication.
I want to wish for so many things. But I already chew God's ear off all day asking for so much. I cry and beg for the basics to sustain his life and the patience and faith to allow God to perform his work. I am ashamed to ask him for things like this. I just want him to smile at me again. I want him to recognize me and give me the beautiful grin he just gave me. I just want my son back.
I have been praying for u guys and shared ur story and the GoFundMe page on my facebook . I sent every Facebook friend I have a private message asking them to share the link and help. So far there is about 100 shares not only in NY but in other states . I really hope he gets the help he needs and he gets back to the Jason I knew in PS200. My prayers are with u and ur family .
ReplyDelete