Xmas That Wasn't

I was raised Jehovah's Witness, so every Xmas is and was for Jason. He is all I could

Think of for the last several months. Of all 3 of my kids right now he needs me the most. But that hasn't made the last few holidays any easier. I love the faces of my princess as she is shocked an amazed by lights and costumes on Halloween. I love the way my little guy eats with gusto on Thanksgiving. And I live for Xmas. I live for them

Seeing shiny boxes and being too confused to understand if they should be excited about the shiny paper or the gift. I wait all

Year for that hurried excitement as they see so many gifts their little hands and eyes don't know what to do. I miss the kisses and the dimpled hands giving me hugs and holding my face in gratitude. I miss the talk of Santa and the NORAD Santa tracker checks I started since Samantha was a baby. Carmelo and my sister filled in the gaps and made the ginger bread house and told

The stories, but that is what I wanted to do.

As I sit here in this spacious dark room, an hour away listening to the hum of The ventilator as my constant Xmas carol. Jason is back on it again, setbacks. I watch him And I thank God he is here, still going. I thank God for a Syrian Immigrant's son who made it possible for me to watch quietly on FaceTime as my step kids enjoyed their first Xmas with us. I hold back my tears for not being able to be there for my little boy and little

Girl and try my best to be grateful. But I 

Am Selfish and I want more. I want to hug them and kiss them and love them

In person not through my phone.

This disease is their brother's Xmas present. I could not bare the thought of him

Being alone in a hospital hours away from home on Xmas Morning with no family. 

I tried to split myself in two and give the best of both worlds. I tried to ask my Jehovah's Witness mother if she would stay with him to let me at least spend Xmas morning with the little kids. She said,"no". She wanted to visit friends in Brooklyn, her unmedicated bipolarity rearing its head just in time for Xmas. She is annoyed about when I yelled at her last when Jason almost went into cardiac arrest and now she feels jealousy toward his old

Babysitter who I apparently treat better. I can't. I don't have it. I can't entertain the crazy or try to appease it. I can't pretend it's ok and keep trekking on. She leaves January 4th and I welcome the space of time and years it will take for us to speak again. No animosity, no upset-just it's better this way: there is no strama and no upset like this. Otherwise, there are hurt feelings on the horizon and I am so spent I promise it won't be mine.

My wish is that my kids have a wonderful Xmas and some how the dolls and trucks and games makeup for my absence. My wish is that in my heart I don't feel like such a piece of crap for abandoning my two babies. This is part of the crazy this disease makes you. You hate yourself for what you can't control. I had to be here yesterday. I know that now. An episode happened and that is why my mom said no about staying, Divine Intervention knew Jason needed his mom. He is better now, on the vent and resting. So this is Xmas...