When you have a child It changes you. It is no longer about you. You forsake yourself for the well being of another person. Food becomes optional, money, clothing. You would set aside your own life to make sure this new person you brought into the world will have no matter what, even if it means you go without. That's a love that is profound. It's amazing really. A love that will have you jeopardize self preservation.
I always have a problem hearing about bad moms on the news. The kind that hurt their babies or kill them. Don't they feel what I feel? 18 years since I was afraid to hold him and thought he looked like a wet tweety bird and I still love this kid enough to want to put myself aside for him. There is no me without him. He is my life. If you don't understand what that means I can't explain it to you. But hopefully one day when you become a parent you will understand.
"You have to take care of yourself."
"You have to worry about you."
I hear it all the time. But what is there to take care of?
My sense of self lay in a hospital bed, struggling to right himself. My life, my entire purpose for being, my greatest accomplishment this life time lay in bed struggling and there is nothing i can do but sit and watch and try to help. Picking up His legs, cupping my hand and beating his back to pop
Phlegm out of his lungs, clipping His nails and putting Chapstick on his lips. Another woman saw me and asked what agency I am from. I guess Jason and I don't look enough a like. I didn't feel upset about it, it made me sad. I have been there long enough to see people need the TLC I give Jason and not get it. its heartbreaking. I thank God for all the opportunity I have had to be there for him. For giving me a great job that has let me Put my family first, for giving me amazing people who care so much for me and my family that they have done some extraordinary things for us. I am grateful and Thank you.
When it is my time I am going to have to admit this life has been a wild fucking ride. I could write volumes of the crazy and hopefully one day the 3 part memoir will be complete. I hope that one day, when i have to leave here all three of my kids and my two step kids will know how much I loved them. How much I would
Do for them. And I hope I leave them in a good place where they will be able to do for themselves.
I always said I know I will never have to worry about Jason. Jason always took care of himself, he always looks out for number one. He would serve himself
Good and get the biggest piece of meat. He would pick out the best gifts for himself. He would want the nicest clothes and sneakers. He does good for number 1. Today I worry about him every second of every day. His heart rate slowed and held a bit again tonight. I am scared and I worry.
Yesterday he looked at me, he registered for a bit. I asked if he could see me and he nodded. My baby is on his way back. Hopefully one day very soon, his systems will regulate and this disease can go back to hell
Where it belongs. Then maybe I can go back to where I won't have to worry so much about Jason. Maybe, one day.
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