The Blame Game

It's easier to blame someone. I get it. I had an argument with my mom yesterday and hrs later I see her point of view now and I hope she got mine. Jason could have gone into cardiac arrest in my arms yesterday. That's been mulling around in my head since it happened. I had to leave my mom with him while I ran to BJ's to buy him toiletries and she felt the 1-1 nurse wasn't good enough so she called me to complain. She felt the nurse wasn't being generous with his water so she called me to complain. Then they left a scissor clamp on the makeshift stomach peg Jason got so she called me to complain. This is her coping mechanism. She was there. She saw him get to 201 and her mind was processing it by looking for blame to have an outlet to centralize her anger and fear on.

(Insert Samuel L. Jackson's voice) This is some scary shit-let me be the first mothrrfucker to tell you! 

I am living it I know. But after witnessing what I witnessed I can't do blame. I can't look for fault. I need help. I told her to ask the nurse to cover the scissor clamp. There was a simple way to get around the issue. God forbid he twist or had another storm we could have been in trouble, I get it. But at that moment I was willing to forgive because My energy is too focused on Jason to get angry. Hours earlier I held him in my arms and prayed for his life not to ebb away. There are no words to explain to you that feeling. The gravity of that moment is still with me and I have no idea if it will ever leave.

She was there. 

But what I felt and what she felt were different. She is still looking with anger to find an answer. I can't do that. This is probably the reason we sometime go years without speaking. Or why it took such a tragedy as this to get us to speak again. 

I am trying. I am trying to do the best I can. I once found fault with everyone like she did. There have been mistakes of that I am certain. But I am not of a mind to look for them right now. Unless they can right a situation he is currently in I don't have the energy to actively search them out. After (2) months you get to know people a little better and the science project fiends I once thought they were they may not be so much. That or maybe they beat me down and I am just sipping the Kool Aid now. Now   all the Dr's are invested. He has been there (2) months and now you can't help but know him or cheer for him or hope for him. He is young, and he is fighting and he is trying. I can't be angry anymore. I want to cheer for him to keep on. I have to. I'm his mom.