Black Hole Sun

"In my eyes
Indisposed
In disguise
As no one knows
Hides the face
Lies the snake
And the sun
In my disgrace...." - Sound Garden


I have said it before. But I don't think your listening. This has destroyed me. The person I was, and the person I have become are two entities that cannot co-exist. The new me has eaten the old, and no matter how much I try to regurgitate her back up, I am just empty. The self-assured, confident, woman who could bluff her way into taking control of anything - I don't even know where to begin to figure out where she is. The Dragon Lady as Jason called me who took charge and turned things into the outcomes she wanted--She is the person who should really be here handling this, and I can't find her. In my most desperate hour I have essentially abandoned myself. I have been posting often because I think it is important to get the raw emotion down in the moment. This way you see. Whether you want to accept it or not; you are forced to see and feel what I am going thru. I can't tell this story again - it's a one shot deal.

My days are in waves of high and low emotion. It forces a bi-polar disposition because although I have always tried to live my life not getting too happy when things are great or getting too sad when things are bad - right now this life wont permit that. I was floating on air because I made contact with my son. I was balling my eyes out because I had to fight with the nurse last night so she wouldn't sedate him.


The things I have had to do and consent to are nightmarish. They are things no mother should be asked to decide for their child. Everything is for his own good. Everything is to ensure the outcome of this whole thing is success. But if you ask someone in the full light of day, straight faced to do what I have been asked to do and consent to what I have been asked to accept and consent to in such rapid succession: they will look at you like you are fucking crazy first, and send you to hell next.


The ventilator is still slated to come out. But other things are going in. Things that don't belong, in a normal person. He has lost so much already, and these new things are just cosmetic and reversible but they are things no one wants. I wonder if in the end he will hate me, even after he learns I am doing all these things for his own good. Will he look at the scar on his stomach where his feed is going in and hate me for allowing it to be there? Will he resent me for the small scar that he will eventually have on his neck when he finds out I am only allowing it to save his life.


The other me would do what I have to do and tell him how he felt about it later. The new me is still crying hysterically and shaking in my chair. This is real life. I am not dreaming.


I am trying to remain solid in the facts: Everything I have done is to ensure he is ok, will live and will be fine. I hope that when all is said and done he will understand. I hope he will see it the way it is presented to me and he will forgive me for the battle scars he will be left with.


Fact or not you are asking me to allow these things on my beloved child- willingly.


This is not easy. I am not okay. I don't think I ever will be.