Stressed Out

I really know how it feels to be, stressed out, stressed out

When you're face to face with your adversity

I really know how it feels to be, stressed out, stressed out

We're gonna make this thing work out eventually - Tribe Called Quest-Faith Evans

I don't leave Jason alone. I am too afraid to. During the day even in ICU with a nurse watching him and doctors walking around no one watches him the way I do.   I try to leave in short stints while someone is there with him to go home to shower. No sleep, just a shower and maybe to eat and kiss the kids. I have to run back to Jason.

Leaving has not gotten any easier. The panic attacks take over every time we pull away and I can't control them. What has gotten better is my understanding. I realize I have panic attacks. That part of me that is broken plays a montage of tragic and crazy images and scenarios in my head as I step into the car and I become hysterical. Carmelo rubs my back or holds my hand and assures me it's ok. I don't believe him entirely but I pray and keep telling myself to trust God until the calm comes. 

The little ones have school and poor Sammy has been late almost every day since school started.i have to take her to school in the morning which leaves me struggling for an awkward timeframe for coverage for Jason. 

It's all too much. To too much to think about.

God I trust in you to find a way where there seems no way. I trust that your healing hand is on Jason and you will see him through, healed and happy.

I am too stressed out to believe otherwise.

Amen