Dear Jason

I wish for the life of me I could go back to October 18th. A day before your call. A day before this started. I wish I could grab you and bring you here and start all the treatment before any symptom started that I could see. According to "them" this had to have started months ago, insidiously building up in your body until the day it actually manifested I to something I could not ignore.

I sit here for hours and watch you. I watch your breathe ebb and flow. Hypersensitive to every song and bell of the machines, the constant tone that rings from the machines of others in rooms near and far fighting for their lives just like you. The 30 minute alarm of the IV machine that startle and annoys me when the nurses don't come fast enough to stop it.

I miss you. I see you everyday but I haven't heard your voice say anything different then all the recordings I have for the last 27 days. I have memorized every word I have of you on tape and say them with you when I play them.  I haven't drank water in a few days so I am convinced that when I cry it's coming from my soul. Physically I don't have much more to give but your strength gives me strength and I try my best to not rely too much on it. I want to leave you every resource every bit of strength because I know you need it more than me.

I have always been honest with how much I love you. Your entire life I have called you what you are to me. You are my life. The very air I breathe even in those moments that I forget. Without you I don't exist so the weight you carry is to get better for the both of us.

I am trying so hard for you. Making decisions blindly while watching  with baited breath to see their outcomes. I am the dragon lady you told your friends about, maniacal and crazy yelling and screaming to get you what you need to get you better. You have a course a course to get better with obstacles and things that I know you can get over. I am here with you, every minute and every step and know that I love you so I will never let you fail.

Jason we have to get better. I accept that it will take time. I need you to accept that getting better, over this and walking out of here is your only outcome. All the bullshit happening now is temporary. You have shown me you are made of everything your mother is. You are strong, you are resilient and you are amazing. You have made me proud to be your mom and you are my greatest accomplishment. Everything I have done in my life pales in comparison to you. Your future is going to be my legacy.

Sleep well tonight, let your body heal. I need you stronger tomorrow and ready to tackle another day.
You can do this don't ever doubt it. I promise you I have no doubt that you will.

I love you Jason.

Love Alway,
Mommy
#pray4Jason