Today makes 30 days since this began...
29 Since I have been in the thick of it...
26 since I have been able to hold a legitimate conversation with you...
I see you every day and you have NO IDEA how much I miss you. I am watching you now. Your eyes darting around the room, your mouth moving around the ventilator. I am not talking to you because your agitation is making your heart rate go up and I fear my voice could contribute to the cause.
The days have gone by in a blur. I don't know how many more can go by like this before some things will have to change but we will see. I can't think about my old life right now. All I can think about is you. I love you. I love you so much you have no idea. My back hurts, from sitting in this chair at night but I don't care. It's been 30 days and I could careless with how I look or feel. I will deal with it.
Yesterday for one minute I saw you and you saw me. If you only knew how many people are rooting for you! Praying for you! Wishing you well! It's amazing Jason! Mommy was getting so low. It was becoming so easy to sit here and cry all day that I think God intervened for us. He rallied all these people to come together and pray for you and slowly things have been happening. It isn't always blessings you expect either. It's like things you don't know you need until you realize - WOW I am glad to have it. Yesterday you helped me. That one minute is going to carry me until the next time you come back from wherever you go. I'll wait. I will be patient. I don't care how long I will be here. I love you papi. You are all I think about. You are all I want. And over the next 30 days I am going to will you back here as often as possible. I am a mess without you. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I need you Jason.
Today you and I have a lot of progress to make. We have to get you off the last sedative - and get this stupid pipe out of your mouth. You are going to succeed on the tests to get off the ventilator because I am here and you want to make me even more proud of you than I already am. We are going to do this Jason. You and I. You are going to do the work and I am going to cheer for you and hold your hand.
You are my big baby boy - and you are going to kick this disease's ass. And when and if I can I am going to get some old school head stomps on it as well. Fuck ANTI-NMDA Receptor Encephalitis. It ain't shit! For the first time in your life I will allow you to curse in front of me. Today I want you to fuck this disease up! In the Next 30 days the goal is you back, mentally and vocally. The rest we can work out in rehab. But mommy needs to talk to you, and have you understand and talk back. I don't care what the doctors say about how long this disease takes - you are a miracle. You are amazing. You are my son. You will show them how this disease will be concurred.
The next 30 days Jason we are doing a shock and awe campaign.
Let's do this papi!
Love Always
Mommy
Jason, we are all cheering for you. You can't imagine all the people who are praying and rooting for you to kick this in the ass.
ReplyDeletePlease know Jason that although we haven't seen each other lately, you are still the little boy who went walking with me on the streets of NY, then you got tired and I had to carry you for blocks and blocks. Boy were you heavy!!! My favorite is when we went food shopping Thursday nights and I pushed you in the shopping cart.
I know you are fighting this. Just remember that we all love you, are praying for your recovery, and praying for your mom. I can't wait to see you again.