Imagine

I did not cry today. I did not feel sad. I was dealing, I was trying, I was present. Jason's situation is no longer a surprise and the freak out I have over his tracheostomy is beginning to wane. I accept that this is life right now. It sucks. I hate it. But it is here and it is real and I have been dealt my cards so I have to play. Yesterday was an odd day. Jason did not really storm. He was calm and quiet - where the night before he suffered low blood pressure for the entire night and had to keep getting fluids via IV. I was on edge all day because it felt like the calm before the storm. Nothing comes easy. An easy day means something more sinister is coming. I kept asking to have him checked because his calm day unnerved me. Familiar to me is chaos, and as much as I hate it- chaos is the new normal.


I have become the type of person that looks at nice things and instead of saying thank you, I ask, "why?" I am afraid to believe that there is "nice" left. Because anything "nice" for Jason comes with a consequence.  Yesterday's beautiful day was brought to you by this terrible morning. The morning that has me bawling because I just need for Jason to catch a break. I'll take the pain and anguish but I just want my Jason to be spared, and healed and NO MORE COMPLICATIONS!!!!


The Doppler test came back. There is another serious complication.


God I beg you to please see Jason through this.
Lord please don't allow any of these complications to cost me Jason.
Please see him safely through this disease and his complications with
no new ones to arise.
God please I beg of you, please.


Amen.