Que Sera Sera

Jessie helped me tonight. A young and pretty Asian nurse with a soft voice who thanked me every time I helped her do anything for Jason. It was a calm night today. Vitals were stable, with the occasional low blood pressure that makes my heart sink. Pressure too high causes pressure in his brain which is no good for the swelling. Pressure too low doesn't let blood fuse to the brain properly -still no good. It is a medical high wire act and I am the only spectator watching with baited breath. Jason's brain is my ace in the hole. It remains unscathed. It's the massive hard drive that contains my Jason. My baby Jason. No matter how ugly things get right now my beautiful boy is in there and he will show up when this is over. He might need physical therapy for being in bed so long, and maybe a few months of his life will seem a blur. But once this fog lifts he will listen to Drake and want Chipotle and want to argue about how he is the only one of his 18 year old friends with a curfew. 

It's so hard to see him like this. So many have asked to see him. 

My answer remains the same, not now, not yet. He is in no condition for visitors. 

You have no real Idea of what you are asking for. This imagery haunts you. It gets in your brain like a parasite and every time you close your eyes it's hard to unsee it. While you don't understand and maybe never will I protect you from it. From seeing this Jason that no one knows. I see him every day and I remind myself that My Jason is in there and one of these days he is going to look at me and call me mom and this will be over. It has to end right? I want to cry and scream and beg for this to stop already. 6 weeks of torture is a long time. 6 weeks of hitting me at my jugular as I watch my baby fight for his life, endure complications and become something out of this world. But it only just started. I could have many more months even years with this. My head needs to continue its lap to get around that concept. His recovery will be long. That's the one constant among all the doctors. They can't agree on how to treat him but they all agree no matter what this will take a LONG TIME. 

He was just reaching out in the dark at nothing. I had to talk to him to bring his arms down. My words muffled through my mask. I feel bad that if he has a clear moment what kind of imagery does he see. His mom wearing a mask? Talking to him With muffled speech? Imagine yourself waking up like that. Not knowing where you are and your mom wearing a mask like you are in quarantine? Things like This is what I think about. Things like this are what bother me. When I talk to him he seems to relax, tonight. He is now turning in the directions of the voices that speak to him. Not looking at the person directly but in their direction. He calms down only with me. When I touch him gently, tell him I love him and he will be okay. I guess that is my sign. The sign that he is in there and I was asking for. He is obedient to me even in this state.