I went home yesterday to shower and change and come back. The panic attacks are not better. It still takes several blocks away from the hospital before I am able to pull it back. I still call every few minutes to remind the nurse of something, or tell them something I forgot. But I needed to go home and shower and grab a few things and visit my little ones. I saw my babies. My sweet faced babies. My big girl who can never have enough attention and my baby boy who kisses me open mouth so our kiss echos in his gums. I love them and I miss them and I broke down again holding them in my bed and kissing them all over. They deserve a real mom who is present and their for them and not falling apart at the seams trying to care for their brother. I wish I could split myself in two and give them what they deserve while continuing to advocate for Jason. I wanted to stay there and spend every moment with them and the last thing I remember was holding them...
I fell asleep. After days of living in my chair - I collapsed in my bed.
I woke up in my big comfortable bed panicked because I left Jason. I gave in to going to sleep when I promised him all I would do is shower. What if he woke up out of his stupor looking for me? What is something God forbid happened? I was angry that Carmelo and Shana let me sleep. I called and the nurse told me what they always say in an even tone, "It's okay he is fine." I wanted to believe her. I wanted to. But I didn't. I started to get ready when Carmelo came into the room. He tried to calm me down. Calm does not come so easily anymore.
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