On The Clock

The clock started. Every minute of every day going forward there is a watch on Jason. What am I looking for? I am not sure. It's something. It may not come in the form of complete sentences. It may not come with him getting up and walking out of bed. I am not sure how it is going to come. I just have hope and faith that it is coming.


"It" can't come fast enough. I am tired of this place driving me crazy. I am tired of the information, miscommunication, and misinformation that surrounds everything concerning Jason here. His blood pressure, his heart, his kidneys, his blood. The tests, the false positives, the double negatives. The bed sores that after careful checking upon my insistence have been downgraded to diaper rash. Everyone is human, and I know this. But the constant push and pull of my emotions is too much. I have one doctor tell me he will be honest with me my son could die, and another tell me he is out of danger in the same day with no status change in him. I can't keep going like this, playing second string and catching the balls they drop. And they come to me in earnest, explaining to me this information that is so important, and then coming back to me later with a completely different story - told just as earnestly - because now they have a better understanding.
The thing is here a mistake could cost me Jason. There is no coming back from that. That would be Game Over on so many levels I can't even explain. They don't see it the same. While no one wants that to happen, the only person emotionally invested is me. They get new patients every day. For them, there will be ANOTHER "Jason" in no time. But not for me. I only have one.

The stress is getting to me. The sleep deprivation. I am still trying and the fact that I have now tried for 33 days and counting is a testament to Jason. He is strong. He goes every day worse than me, and after countless screw-ups from the people here and he is still going. He is still strong. He is determined to get better and come back to me.


It's hard but I have to remain strong for my boy.