Coping Mechanisms

In times of anguish and despair in order to survive we have to find coping mechanisms. Our body will have us reach out in a way that brings some measure of comfort. We will reach with earnest towards some measure of care for ourselves as a means of self-preservation. For some people it is food. As upset as I got that so many were trying to shove so much down my throat when I did not want it I did not take into account that they were trying, the best the could to use their coping mechanism. Eating and feeding others can bring comfort. It is A-typical of the American population to indulge in this behavior which is why so many are morbidly obese.


This circumstance has changed me. Where once upon a time the coping mechanism of McDonalds, Wendy's or Panera would be a euphoric measure for me. This situation has shut down my digestive track. Food makes me sick and if I am forced I vomit. Although I try, coffee and lattes are my fare of choice these days. While I hoped to be fit by 40 - Lord this is seriously not what I was talking about.


Nothing fits anymore. My clothes are so baggy now I look like a member of Wu Tang Circa 1994. Who the hell wears a baggy bra? Can you answer me that one? While being smaller has always been a passion of mine, this is so not what I was talking about. I want Sophia Vergara slim not Pookie from New Jack City. But like everything in this situation - I don't get choices. I can't pick or choose what I want. I am handed things and I am given limited time to show acceptance.


This blog, as the Chaplain who just came by to check on me noted, Is my coping mechanism. This is the way I try to preserve that last piece of my psyche that does not want to conform to the Invasion of the Body Snatchers with their clinical matter of fact way of dealing with things. This is the part where the last part of me dying to stay human has tried to help me not fall into a pit of despair.


A story of anguish is not unique. We all have our struggles and journey's and unfortunately some of us have harder stories to tell than mine. But I hope that if I am able to help anyone I do. And I hope that all of you know that you are helping me. At 4AM when the world is just beginning to stir I get to see your kind words, and prayers, and although I am usually here with Jason alone - the world seems less lonely. I have an army that is behind me and giving me the strength I really don't have. They cheer on Jason and I have no choice but to join in because that is MY BOY. And I am happy that the little boy I love with all my heart has the support of so many - strangers even  -who want him well and to succeed in life.


The security guard refused my ID today when I returned from Starbucks.
"I know who you are." he said, not looking at me. He grabbed a pass and scribbled Jason's room on it. "You are a damn good mom. You are here everyday, all day - the entire security team knows who you are."


God delivers the right time all the time. You have no idea what those words meant to me.
Especially today.