Walking On Broken Glass

"Because all I ever wanted
It's in your eyes, baby,
And love can't lie, no
(Greet me with the eyes of a child)
My love is always tellin' me so
(Heaven is a kiss and a smile)
Just hold on, hold on
I won't let you go, my baby"-  Father Figure/George Michael

I feel like a tread through shards of glass dealing with this situation. It's dangerous  if I am lucky nothing will Nick me but I am always on edge and when I feel a shard of glass cut through my skin a half expect it and am upset by it at the same time.

There is a blood clot in my life right now. A horrific blood clot threatening my son, as if he does not have a world of threats on him already. I can't blame anyone, so I am told, these things happen. I can't get rid of it myself or help it along. It is something medication will help and Jason's body has to resolve on its own.

I have to remain optimistic. I have to be a fucking care bear who has no clue what disappointment, upset or sorrow is. I have to go around and blow sunshine out my ass and rainbows in my smile

Because positivity is a finicky bitch who won't be your friend if you have a stitch of drama. 

"You know you are the only mom who stays here in ICU." The heavy metal guitarist looking male nurse told me, as he and Jason's nurse Elyse changed his bed. "You have to understand he is getting the best care and there is nothing more you can do." 

I didn't answer him. I wanted him to shut up. My baby is still not fixed there has to be more I can do. His matter of fact tone told me he sipped the Kool-Aid for this place. I am still not so easily swayed. I  not the kind of mom who can go home to sleep at night while

Her first born is in the NICU.

Mommys always fix booboos and things that hurt and take care of their kids when they are sick. But here is my kid and he is  in need of help and he gets these crazy complications and is somehow better AND worse. I wish I had an answer. I wish heaven had a phone so  I could call God directly and plead my case. 

I am not giving up, I am not going to collapse into the pool of jell-o I want to become and quiver in my own grief. I know I need to be more faithful. I know I need to be more patient. I know. But I am broken and wading through shards of glass and I have all these variables that need constant attention.

I need a break. 

I need Jason better.

I need a smile, I need a sign that he is going to be okay.