Scary Things That Go Beep In the Night

Last night Jason slept soundly. No crazy Las Vegas style activity as in most nights. I slept with a combination blue chair and grey chair and I actually got 4 hours solid. I feel guilty saying that. He was right next to me and I slept through 4 hours. But that is how good he was. He didn't chime or ring or need anything the entire night. Each vital check was done and he slept through them on his own. Minimal sedation. He was not completely drugged, and he didn't need anything extra. I am happy about this and terrified because quiet does not always mean good. I am scared. Scared to get excited when things start looking up because I feel like a plane on fire. I feel like if I do it, if I fall into the euphoria of something good the bad will hear me celebrating and show up to the party.


Jason got another complication today. A bedsore. Christopher Reeves died of a bedsore. A bedsore could be serious. I feel like I am here everyday and I leave out of respect when they wash him and I didn't do my duty as his mother. I should have hovered like a drill sergeant inspecting every inch of his body and making sure they washed correctly, so that I will know nothing is wrong.

I will do that now. I am NEVER leaving now. They can kiss my ass a thousand times when they want to do a procedure. The only room he is entering without me is the Operating Room and I am making a stink to make sure there is no loophole to get me in. ALL ELSE, EVERYTHING ELSE they need to do they are doing in front of me. Procedure can kiss my ass.


I am scared. I am really, really scared. Every time I get slightly happy. Every time there is a slight calm its like I am inviting disaster. It's little stupid things like this that could end the world. Little dumb insignificant things that can cause a problem. He has an open sore in a hospital full of fucking staph.


Whenever I wake up I try to keep my eyes closed a second longer than need be. I try to will myself to life before all this started. But then a machine beeps or chimes and before I open my eyes my heart sinks because I know where I am. Why won't it stop? I am paying my dues. I am suffering. I am really suffering. I just want him better. I don't want anymore hiccups. I want this stress test to end already. My heart can't take this. I can't take it.


I want to just fall on the floor and cry hysterically for all this shit to stop.