Misery

Tuesday, October 20th, 2015


It was going on the 2nd day. I called his school and told them he was sick. Still no answers. Everything was normal - he was itching to go home. I wanted to take him home but I was scared. He slept all day. He said his eyes hurt and they were sensitive to light - and worse he didn't want to eat.
After the MRI was finally done and read the nurse and doctor confirmed that he would be discharged Wednesday morning. I signed him out AMA. Fuck them. Wanting him to warm a bed an extra night so they could charge insurance. Whatever. I would find a specialist and take him to one Wednesday and that would be that. They were confident he did not have a stroke and that was my worse fear at the time.
The stutter had gotten worse. Sometimes words would not come out. He was texting more and writing more. I was confident with the doctors who were going to let him leave. Naïve enough to believe at the risk of being sued they would never let him leave if he was dangerously sick. My first concern was he had not eaten since Sunday.
"Papi do you want Chipotle?" I asked while he sat 2 benches back in the minivan. The little ones were in the car watching cartoons and as we drove into the little Neck strip mall all of a sudden he got really upset. He slammed the TV closed and the kids began to cry. He waived his hands erratically and yelled, "STOP!" Then he collapsed into the bench and wailed. He wailed really, really loud and Carmelo and I just looked at each other.
Neurology woke him up every 2 hours could it be lack of sleep?
Did he break up with a girlfriend and is having a nervous breakdown?
So many things flashed through my head without even hinting at the one thing it actually was.
We drove home and when he got out the car he hugged me and cried some more.
Seeing him in so much obvious pain I felt helpless. I wanted to help him and did not know how. I was starting to think maybe he did have conversion disorder - or maybe some psychiatric issue.
I consoled him, promising him we would go to the doctor and make it better. Assuring him he had no need to worry.
We went upstairs and he took a long hot shower.
When he came out he looked good and he spoke, "Mom. It's gone. the stutter stopped. I think the Dr was right - I think I am just stressed out."
Hearing him speak clearly took the bricks off my chest. I had no idea how stressed I was until I heard him speak. He was back. He was better. He was fine. For all of 5 minutes I felt AMAZING. All my kids under one roof - and my baby felt better.
Then he walked back in the room with tears in his eyes.
"what's wrong papi?" the panic beginning to rise anew.


"I-it's B-b-back."